It is a common thought from all of the posers out there that a true ski bum cannot ‘rough’ it and still look and smell good. They may shout ‘dirty hippy’ from the lift at guys like me, but the reality of it is I am as clean as a whistle and can still pull a date back to my ’69 VW bus for a couple of glasses of Cabernet and dinner for two.

One of the best kept secrets in skiing isn’t the deep pow stash under the rope of chair 8 at your local stomping grounds, the monster road gap that you found this summer or even the sickest 30-kink rail you say you are going to film with your brewhas. It’s the mall. Yup…the lamest place to hang out and buy corporate goodies is actually your ticket to staying clean and having a decent social life this winter. Let this ditty be your guide to a successful walk through the malls of the world.

Step One:
Pick a time and day when fewer people are there. The middle of the week during the daytime is usually good. Although you may be a bit dirty and stinky, put on some clean clothes before you go into the mall, as you’ll only stand out more if you have a bag full of clothes and other items. This mission is an in-and-out deal; don’t do things that are going to make it more than that.

Step Two:
Immediately locate the bathroom facilities. This is where the pseudo shower will take place as well as shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Make sure to put your toiletries in your pocket so it’s not at all obvious what you are doing. Setting up shop in the men’s or ladies room could mean getting the boot, so be cautious at all times and keep an eye out for the fuzz.

Step Three:
Sometimes food samples are available at the little places in the food court. Keep an eye out for goodies.

Step Four:
Top the trick off with a hint of the most expensive fragrance you can find. Department stores generally have sample colognes and perfumes available to test out. Simply head to the make-up counter with sample bottles, and find the one you would like. Take a few sprays…sniff…sniff…ah yes, exquisite. Now you are ready for a night on the town.

NO Mall?
If you are living out in the middle of nowhere ski bumming it or on the road for a bit a mall might not even be an option. That’s why the Freeheel gods designed convenient stores in case you need a back up. Please refer back to Bum Trickery #1 ‘Burrito Mecca & Hot Drinks” for the food aspect of this trickery. Same drill everyone, just cruise in and utilize the bathroom for water needs (i.e. cleaning, brushing, etc.) and feel free to use the microwave and hot water for food needs. Always ask first though and buy something small at least. You may be a ski bum but you can still be a patron.

Conclusion
Freeheel skiing ain’t about being a dirty hippy anymore so clean your act up. Stop now and drive your ass down to the local mall or convenient store where you are camping out and take care of business. A freeheel life is about having a rad time all of the time…So keep it cheap or get it free, and look for me on the mountain head deep in the goods, ‘cause I figured out what life’s all about.